My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Love is in the air fryer.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
how to have an accident 101
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
New menu item
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.