Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH