I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”