*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.