“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
smartest karate player in the world