It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
You Might Also Like
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box