why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?