The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Put a ring on it
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.