“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy