I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.