I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You Might Also Like
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.