TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Hard not to take this personally
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.