wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
as is their right