Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
yes… yes…
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”