Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
You Might Also Like
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.