I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Not even remotely sorry.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?