Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Oh yeah that’s it
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.