DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
not to brag, but mine was free
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Put a ring on it
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol