El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The Onion called it…again.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!