Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
You Might Also Like
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?