You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.