I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.