professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians