I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.