[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Breaking news:
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly