*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Stick it to the man
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch