[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married