how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.