God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
WTF
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.