Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror