Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The Wolf of Wall Street.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?