“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You Might Also Like
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
absolute chaos
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT