‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
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How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
i dont have time for this
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.