You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”