Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You Might Also Like
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.