All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
#inspiration #foodforthought
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.