Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Had to try this trend 😊
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I mean…but I did
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
blocked.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it