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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!