guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.