Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.