[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
The French word for sex is croissant.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Jupiter
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi