My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
fly smarter, not harder
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.