Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Software Development ⛵️
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please