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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I miss this era type of pranks😭
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”