Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE