If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
drew a comic about my origin story
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
work smarter, not harder
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?