It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
first you must answer his riddles
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.