Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Sell your car
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…