Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me driving through Toronto
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. đź’€
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha