The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this